How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard.

I miss my Nan so much I ache. 

There I said it; well, typed it. I'm not saying it for attention, I'm not saying it because that's what you do after you loose a Grandparent, I'm saying it because I need to. I need to get this out of my system and the easiest way for me to do that is to write it down here. Feel free to skip to a more cheery post if you wish to! 

My Nanny was diagnosed with lung cancer in January this year, and she was gone by the 22nd of February. Which is also World Thinking Day for the Girl Guide Association. 

I saw my Nan a lot. At the very least for two afternoons a week, but it was always much more than that. She was part of my normal routine, never a chore, always a pleasure. I am very lucky to have had such a beautiful, close relationship with her that I didn't value enough until it was taken away. I don't think you truly appreciate people until they've gone. And yes everyone says that but it's true. 

Sooo many things remind me of her, my drive to work alone passes two places that she lived in. And I only work 6 miles away from my house! I know I'll get to a point where something will make me think of her and I'll smile and have a nice, warm, fond feeling. But at the moment it's just upsetting and I start to well up. 

Grief is shit. 

I feel guilty about my feelings quite a lot. I feel guilty for not feeling exactly like this when my Grandad passed away. I feel guilty for not feeling like this when my Grandma, Grandad and Auntie passed away. I feel guilty for showing my feelings because I know that my Mum and her brothers must be feeling so much worse. Losing a parent must be so much worse than a Grandparent, therefore I shouldn't feel like this, right? 

I am lucky, however, that she met, enjoyed spending time with, and most of all loved, my babies. We all know how much she struggled after Grandad passed away, but she hung on to meet Molly, Oscar and Emilia. The new babies in our family, who all arrived within 8 weeks from start to finish. She watched them start to grow, she loved them. Recently I keep thinking about a conversation I had with her just before it all kicked off. We were in the bungalow, William had just finished his dinner and was watching Tree-Fu Tom (he had dinner at Nan's two afternoons a week after school), Emilia was playing with Smokey the Elephant with me on the floor and Nan looked at me. She said 'you enjoy being a Mother now'. Of course I said yes, but I didn't need to answer. It wasn't a question, it was an observation, she was happy to know that I was happy. It was a nod. 

Now the four generations have turned into three. I'm not the baby any more. And although this is painful now, I can't wait to watch my kids develop the relationship that they have with my Mum into what I had with my Nan, and some more. 

xxx